prophet10k
06-06-2007, 06:57 PM
>New Rules for 2007.....
>
>New Rule:
>Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com
><http://classmates.com/> <http://classmates.com/%3e> . There's a
>reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
>the football team is doing these days ---- mowing my lawn.
>
>New Rule:
> Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
>seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
>in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
>you expect it to contain? Lobster?
>
>New Rule:
>Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
>teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
>these
>kids: "Lucky b....ds."
>
>New Rule:
>If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
>dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
>you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>New Rule:
>Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
>eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done .
>
>New Rule:
>There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
>junk at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
>drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
>melt. That's your flavored water.
>
>New Rule:
>Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
>bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
>bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be
>in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
>Security crisis.
>
>New Rule:
>The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you
>walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low
>fat, iced vanilla, double- shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
>light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
>huge idiot.
>
>New Rule:
>I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
>entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
>deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
>kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
>Almond Joy.
>
>New Rule:
>Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
>spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates
>to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
>were praying to God you or your woman wasn't pregnant. You're not
>spiritual. You're just a moron.
>
>New Rule:
>Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
>ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>What's next? It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>New Rule:
>I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
>nuts and eat two.
>
>New Rule:
>No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
>Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
>out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
>gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
>New Rule:
>And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip
>up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
>George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
>just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,
>dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
>New Rule:
>When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months."
>"He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
>care in the first place
>
>New Rule:
>If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
>than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
>available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around
>saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
>
>New Rule:
>Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com
><http://classmates.com/> <http://classmates.com/%3e> . There's a
>reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
>the football team is doing these days ---- mowing my lawn.
>
>New Rule:
> Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
>seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
>in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
>you expect it to contain? Lobster?
>
>New Rule:
>Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
>teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
>these
>kids: "Lucky b....ds."
>
>New Rule:
>If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
>dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
>you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>New Rule:
>Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
>eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done .
>
>New Rule:
>There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
>junk at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
>drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
>melt. That's your flavored water.
>
>New Rule:
>Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
>bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
>bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be
>in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
>Security crisis.
>
>New Rule:
>The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you
>walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low
>fat, iced vanilla, double- shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
>light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
>huge idiot.
>
>New Rule:
>I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
>entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
>deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
>kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
>Almond Joy.
>
>New Rule:
>Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
>spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates
>to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
>were praying to God you or your woman wasn't pregnant. You're not
>spiritual. You're just a moron.
>
>New Rule:
>Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
>ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>What's next? It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>New Rule:
>I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
>nuts and eat two.
>
>New Rule:
>No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
>Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
>out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
>gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
>New Rule:
>And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip
>up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
>George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
>just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,
>dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
>New Rule:
>When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months."
>"He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
>care in the first place
>
>New Rule:
>If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
>than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
>available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around
>saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
>